As A Mother…

In light of recent events, I’ve decided to not post my original blog and write this one instead. This may come off as a rant or maybe it will sound too naive but I feel the need to get this off of my chest. I hope this resonates with you and if it does, please comment below.

Here in Canada, it seems like we have it together. You won’t see much in the news regarding racism. In fact, if anything the racist stuff usually comes from the United States. Often, by the time we see it there is this underlying understanding that no matter how bad racism is here it’s not as bad as it is in the USA. Unfortunately, this false narrative has allowed for many ethnic groups to be denied the ability to speak on issues that not only affect our livelihood but our lives.

I am a mother to two girls and am currently pregnant with another. Pregnancy is not a joke. What’s worse is being dismissed by health care professionals when you bring up a symptoms or concerns. I don’t have all the answers so when I put my trust in the hands of the labour and delivery team, I expect them to followed through with professionalism and due diligence. I don’t expect to be gaslit, dismissed or forgotten. Having a child should be a joyous occasion not a reason for fear.

It’s bad enough that as a Black woman there’s always this thought in the back of my head that all it takes is for my family to be at the wrong place at the wrong for my world to fall apart. My husband goes to work each day and I know that God forbid, he meets someone who’s having “a bad day” not only could his life be endanger but more than likely, as Black people we may never see justice prevail.

It’s hard to be hopeful in a world where injustice seems to be the outcome in every situation where white supremacy has a chance to rule. Lady justice is supposed to be unbiased and colourblind in a world where all men are created equal. Yet, nothing has changed to restore faith in those we’ve elected as officials to render true and effective justice. Something as simple as holding murderers accountable once proven guilty is as laughable as a comedic skit. It’s gut wrenching watching another murdered Black man calling his mother just so she could hear his final breath.

How do I explain to my children that we are living in a world that will never see them as equals no matter how nice, how tough, how qualified, how assertive, how feminine or gracious they are? How do I tell them that this is what we as their parents settled for on their behalf? How do I tell my children that the melanin in their skin is a perpetual target on their backs? How do I tell my daughters that they will be sexualized and demonized because they are Black women? That they must maintain their “niceness” and “kindness” when the micro agressions come if they want to keep their jobs? If I give birth to a son, what then? The fact that he’s Black automatically makes him looks like any other “alleged suspect” if law say so.

Yet, through my faith I have learned to be hopeful when it’s darkest. I won’t lie it sure feels dark. We’re in the middle of pandemic. Ontario is in the midst of its third lockdown. I don’t know what my delivery plan will look like when I give birth. I’m afraid. I’m afraid for my kids and my unborn child. I know that my kids will be safe but I won’t be with them. This will be the first time since I’ve had them that they won’t be with either my husband and myself, and I’m scared.

These are the moments that nobody warned me about. Nobody told me how scary motherhood could be. Nobody told me how terrifying being a Black mother could be. I’m afraid for their present and their future. I know how the system works and that’s why I get up every day and work my butt off.

I want them to know the privilege of living. I want to know that they are safe. I want them to believe that they can be anything they want to be. There’s no limit, no matter how hard the media tries to sell this fear, they need to know that it’s not true.

I don’t do it for myself. I do it for them.

Baby No.2: Fears?

As excited as I am, I think that there is such a responsibility placed on parents today that we can’t help but feel anxious. Sometimes if we don’t address it fears tend to overpower our excitement of the future. We are a family of 3 and soon we will be a family of 4…

I love my little family of 3. I love what we have become. I love how easy we flow and how well we understand one another, for the most part. Every day is an adventure where we can grow into the humans God created us to be.

In our home, mistakes are made but rectified. We apologize willingly and sincerely even when we have no idea what we’re apologizing for. There is grace to grow despite the frustration of growing pains. We accept constructive criticisms and are willing to take it ourselves without compromising our way of life. We have become home. So why am I so scared for the arrival of the second baby?

I’ve done it before. I’ve been here before, haven’t I?

20190815_094856799292774.jpg

The truth is I haven’t. Who am I kidding? I had one precious little girl and she was amazing. I needed to do the work and she’s still amazing. But this time, I will be dealing with another baby. This baby could very well be a different baby, with different wants, needs, mannerisms and dreams. Who knows? Well I know. This baby is different.

Let’s not forget the fact that my firstborn will be in for a surprise when she realizes that Mommy is not just her Mommy but someone else’s too. She won’t be sharing my attention with Daddy anymore but with another who depends on me for more than just potty help and story time fun.

img_20190803_170926_081863959719.jpg

In all honesty, what scares me the most is that I won’t be able to handle the two. That I will somehow be less than a good mom to my firstborn. I’m afraid that she will feel neglected because of the new baby. I’m also afraid that the new baby won’t have all of me because my daughter was here first and she still needs me. I’m afraid that I will be too tired to function like I should.

Most importantly, I’m afraid that I will change in a way that causes my marriage to suffer. At the end of the day, my husband is my partner for life. He will do his very best to make sure that he does his part but will it be enough? Is there enough of me to keep everyone happy?

20190725_1227001766387469.jpg

This is where I have to trust God. Everyone already has an opinion as to what should be done and how it should be done. Believe me, my husband and I have heard and still hear a good bit of it. It’s disheartening sometimes because as much as we believe in our abilities to do this, we’re still fighting our own insecurities. Sometimes we take it out on each other and most of the time we hurt ourselves. These are behaviours we don’t want our children to model.

But, if God can appoint us to be life partners to one another and parents to our children it’s because we have the ability and capacity to do so. It won’t be easy but we will do it. It will be messy but we will clean it up. We will show up everyday and do better until our time is up.

I will not lie to you I am scared yet I can hear God in the early mornings tell me, “You’re ok. It’s gonna be ok.” With that I get up, show up and be me for my family.