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motherhood
Healing Isn’t Linear, Neither Is Parenting
When I was little, I wanted to be a parent so that I could be in charge. I wanted to call the shots and have these little humans obey me. I knew I didn’t want to be the kind of parent who used corporal punishment because of the way it made me feel. The shame that came with each discipline made me feel less than. No, that wasn’t for me.
Fast forward to now, three kids I’m healing from the effects of feeling like I will never be enough. That I always need to fit in a mold of perfection that will never exist. Healing requires research and patience. It requires training a brain that is solidified in its way of living. It’s exhausting. I’m constantly digging up the cemented mindset of my inner child and defending the past like I owe it something.
Healing isn’t linear. Throughout, my time as a parent I’m learning daily that just because I have more information doesn’t make me a better parent. My outlook constantly plays a part into the kind of person my childrend get as a mother. I have thoughts that plague me like the thorns of a rose. There are dogmas that are invisible to the naked eye that pound my head and bring me to a halt. My girls don’t get to see this. They see a woman who is confident. What they don’t see is a woman who is literally parenting herself at the same time as she is parenting her own.
Healing isn’t linear. It’s a complex derivative of various algorithms with theoretical formulas that require a tremendous effort to employ. I know better so I should do better. But the truth is I’m putting my trust in a method I haven’t seen nor experienced for myself while catching and healing the wounds of my past in hopes that my girls don’t see this grown woman tripping over the bloods from the open wounds of her past.
How I wish I could tell my younger self that she is allowed to dream. She is allowed to travel and experience different elements of what makes the world beautiful. She is allowed to go after the expensive shoes because they are investment into her joy life bucket. She is not too much and that most importantly that she is a good and kind person worthy of being loved for the being she is…but I can only tell the millenial woman staring at me in the mirror these things.
Healing isn’t linear. Some days I feel great. Today my daughter pooped in the toilet. This has been an issue for a while now. She will pee but refuses to acknowledge the toilet to poop. But today she did it. I felt like a rockstar. I didn’t get mad. I didn’t yell at her. She did it. I was a proud mama.
Some days my girls wow me. My eldest understands and knows basic grade 1 arithmetic and she just turned 5. She can read and spell most words. She’s currently learning to skateboard and has inspired me to do the same.
Healing isn’t linear. My 8 month old has learned to stand on her own. She’s been practicing her pincer muscle and can now hold, grab and eat her own puffs. She does
My fear
I wanted to see myself in the media but she wasn’t there. And because I wanted to be seen I tried to blend in. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the clothes, the height, the hair, accent to blend in so that was a bust. I guess it was convenient that we moved so much because only then could I escape from one reality to the next. I spent a long time being angry. When my home life finally stabilized I became resentful. They had a life that I was trying to infiltrate and I was too insecure to give them the benefit of the doubt. So I tried so hard to become the perfect Christian girl. I didn’t date, I didn’t hang out with anybody outside my church youth group and as much as I tried to fit in my skirts never seemed to be “long” enough. The more praise I received, the more the criticism piled on. To be honest, I don’t remember much of the praise but I definitely remember the time I was yelled at for “not prioritizing the house of God”. My sin was asking to be excused from choir practice to help out a friend who needed a babysitter so she could work. Home was a constant reminder of my shortcomings as a daughter. If supper was burnt I heard it. If the dishes weren’t washed I heard it. Now I’m a grown woman who’s achieving all of these goals and yet I still fall short of accepting myself fully and completely for the person I am. How am I going to teach my daughters that they are perfectly enough, if I don’t believe it for myself?
Moving Chronicles
My breastfeeding journey continues
Hey there! I’m back. I’m hoping that I will be able to continue updating you on my motherhood journey. In honour of Black Breastfeeding Week I’ve decided to share my breastfeeding journey with you.
For those of you who don’t know I gave birth to my third born daughter two weeks ago. It’s been a journey but we are all doing well. I’m learning (again) to be flexible with myself and my family but it’s not easy. I like things a certain way and at times it just feels like everything is falling on me. All because if I don’t do it, it most likely will not get done in a time efficient manner that could’ve been invested in other projects and tasks that would greatly help me be a better mother and wife but alas here we are…transitioning.
One thing I am grateful that doesn’t need much transitioning however is breastfeeding. I am grateful that my daughter was able to latch within an hour of her birth. We got to do skin to skin and she was amazing. I’ve been feeding her on demand, which is whenever she wants to as opposed to every two hours like I did with my first born. That method almost drove me insane and borderline into postpartum depression.
Now I completely understand that most infants need to be reminded to wake up and drink that milk, especially when breastfeeding because they need to gain weight for starters. There’s tons of nutrients in that colostrum that they may not get again which is helpful to their survival. It also helps us mothers to get that milk production going. Of course, engorgement will follow and that’s annoying but it benefits us all. However, sometimes baby knows best. As long as you’re trying and doing your best, Mama you’re doing amazing.
All of my girls have been amazing feeders when it comes to the breast and absolutely hated formula or the bottle regardless of whether or not there was breastmilk in the bottle. I remember my first born and I going at it because I genuinely allowed those around me guilt me into believing that my daughter needed to be bottle fed. Also when you’re told that your babies are a problem because they refuse to drink from the bottle, it can trigger some guilt and shame as a mother. But now that I’ve got my third I’m grateful that I can have that bonding moment and appreciate it for what it is.
It is a bit harder this time around because I still have a four year old and a soon to be two year old who still want my attention. There are times when I can’t get to the baby right away. Sometimes I have to put a pause on the dinner preparation to feed the baby. Most of the time, I’m breastfeeding and acting as a referee between the older two. These ideas of being able to sit in a rocking chair having that bonding moment like I did with my firstborn are not happening. These are kinds of expectations I have to let go. For example, having peace and quiet while breastfeeding is not happening anymore. In fact it’s the opposite.
What has proven to be helpful when I breastfeeding is making sure that I have a bib around on the baby. It’s easy to clean up spit ups and regurgitation from the baby. Sometimes the occasional milk let down, especially during the engorgement period. A good nipple cream helped me so much when I nursed my first born. My nipples would crack and it would hurt so much. Speaking to a lactation consultant was crucial for me. It also gave me the confidence to keep trying again. Another important one is having a friend who’s done it before. They sometimes have the most invaluable advices. But most importantly, knowing that you’re not a failure for doing your best. At the end of the day fed is best. If breastfeeding isn’t for you and your little one that’s ok. Just do what’s best for the both of you.
I hope this has been useful and helpful. Below are a list of things I personally loved using while breastfeeding.
https://www.shopltk.com/explore/sandyesprit/posts/f87cdea7-0604-11ec-83a6-0242ac110003
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Shocking Pregnancy Symptoms
Hey there! Thank you so much for checking out my blog post. I’m currently pregnant with my third child and I swear there are some things I thought I would be ok with but find myself still surprised by. Some of them are things that I’ve forgotten about and others just sneak up on me and catch me by surprised. Without further ado let’s get into it.
Hyperpigmentation
When I was pregnant with my first born back in 2017, nobody had ever warned me about my skin getting darker. I had seen these gorgeous women with their baby bump and they looked so flawless. Meanwhile by the time I was nearing the end of my second trimester I looked like I had been bleaching my face. From the neck down my skin had turned at least five shades darker. Believe I wish I was exaggerating. I became very self conscious to the point that I was afraid to even wear my actual foundation. The difference was so noticeable.
Turns out this is very common. This is called melasma or chloasma and it goes away after pregnancy. Usually it starts looking like a blotchy dark patches and goes away after the baby comes out. In my case the patches just joined together until my skin was blanketed with this new skin tone. It was a very confusing time and since my mom had never experienced this, it was confusing for her too. Thank goodness for Google.
Pain, pain and more pain
I was “ok” with the morning sickness because I expected it. It came, I complained and prayed it didn’t last the whole pregnancy and half way through the second trimester it was gone I was good. Then came the back pain. It just always feels like my back is screaming at me for gaining weight. You’d swear we were having an internal civil war.
Then the ligament pain. My pelvic bone and butt muscles don’t see eye to eye right and since Tylenol is the only pain medication I can take, I have resigned and made it my friend. These pain is my body making room for the delivery of my child and it’s a sign that my body is doing it’s job. The hormones that has been released is relaxing my lower regions so that my baby has enough room to come out in. However, this “relaxing” feature isn’t relaxing me. It’s in fact doing the opposite.
Insomnia
You’d think I’d be able to sleep through the night because the baby isn’t here, right? Nope! Absolutely wrong. In fact, it’s common. Between the baby training for the real world Olympics or whatever exercises it’s doing in there, to my bladder no longer having the room to store as much urine as it did before it’s hard to sleep and/or stay asleep. I wish I could say it gets better. Unfortunately, that has not been my experience.
In conclusion
Pregnancy has its highs and lows. Some of them are tolerable some of them just suck. It’s completely fine to enjoy this process because honestly it’s a feat that only you get to experience in your way. Not every journey is the same and some come with unforeseen obstacles. Remember that this to shall pass. Until, enjoy the process as much as you can.
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Hyaluronic Acid…Why I love it
Hi there! Thank you so much for checking out my blog. I completely and wholeheartedly appreciate you being here. Since, I’m still going strong on my #nablopomo post, I figured now would be a good time to introduce my love of Hyaluronic acid.
Just letting you that know that this blog contains affiliate links that if you choose to purchase from will provide me with a few coins tossed my way. You won’t pay more money, in fact you may save money. This is just another way you can support me.
Ever since I entered the age of the late 20’s, I noticed my skin began to change. It used to always be combination oily come rain or shine, winter or summer but as of late it changes with the weather or I should say the season. I use to be able to get away with one skin care regimen for the whole year and as long as I did not default or neglect my regimen my skin would behave. Until I noticed the dry flaky patches on my skin that would appear during the cold winter months.
Turns out that no matter how much melanin your skin possesses getting older doesn’t discriminate and neither does it’s effects. As we get older hyaluronic acid which is naturally made in our bodies decreases. Once that decreases, wrinkles and fine lines start to set in. But even before all of that, moisture retention also goes on the decline hence the appearance of dry skin.
What is Hyaluronic Acid, you may ask. It is this gooey, clear liquid that our bodies naturally produce mostly in the skin, connective tissues and eyes. It’s job is retain water also known as moisture. Water is very important since it makes up about 60% of the human body. That’s why it’s so vital to our health to stay hydrated.
Hyaluronic acid is a force to be reckoned with in most skin care products because of its hydrophilic properties and it’s ability to retain moisture. By applying on the skin I can provide my skin the ability to keep its moisture which takes care of those dry patches and keeps those fine lines at bay.
So far I’ve been the Hyaluronic Acid Hydrating Serum from the Inkey List. It contains 2% hyaluronic acid. It’s made such a huge difference in my face. You don’t need a lot and the price is so perfect that I don’t have to worry about breaking the bank. I love that I can get it at Sephora because I know that I can get cash back with my purchase by using Ampli. You can too. All you have to do is sign up and when you do use the code AMPLI5. You’ll get $5 automatically just for signing up.
What’s your favourite serum at the moment?
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My Pregnancy Body Image
When it comes to body image we’ve all had our ups and downs. As a teen, I was a late bloomer. The only thing that developed was my uterus and my height. Aside from that, I was a skinny, awkward, lanky flat chested girl. My hair never grew past my shoulders because back then I didn’t have the resources I have now. My mom waited way too long to get me first bra, mind you I don’t think it would’ve been filled with much. I outgrew clothes as quickly as I got them in my closet. My skin care routine was non existent and so my face was full of acne. My peers on the other hand, were blessed with curves, hair and make up. I was the ugly duckling in my crew.
When I got older and got my first job I was finally able to take some form of control over my appearance but it took years of learning to appreciate what was there. As a young woman, I was often told to cover up my non existent curves lest I be seen as the Jezebel and make the men fall in lust with my body. Those horny depraved minds lusted after anything with legs and it really had nothing to do with what I wore. I was tall, I was pretty without makeup and a friendly attitude to back it until you got on my bad side. Then well…you got the gist.
Unfortunately, due to the people around me and their “overprotective” counsels I developed a very strange idea of what my body looked like. I began to see what they saw and did my best to eliminate any source of sin. As a Christian, I made it my mission to look “modest”. I wore clothes that were way too big for me. It wasn’t uncommon to be told that my skirt was too short or my butt looked too big. For those of you who didn’t know me back then, I was a size 4. Yup a whole single digit, size 4.
Well, I got out of that toxic situation after ten years. But it took me awhile to reset my vision of my physical image and to fully come to love the creation that God made me to be. Once I fully embraced myself, I got pregnant. What should’ve been a beautiful experience became a nightmare from hell.
I literally thought I could love my body no matter its size and it turns out I didn’t. In fact, I’m currently going through my third pregnancy and I’m still fighting this rhetoric. I don’t feel beautiful. I don’t feel sexy and I don’t feel confident showing my body. I feel like that thirteen year old gawky and awkward teenager trying to get through my entire house without crashing into anything. I have no idea how wide I am and my body is so sore all the time. When I try to explain this to people all I hear “You’re not fat, you’re pregnant!” and the truth is I’m both. I am fat and I am pregnant. There’s nothing wrong with being fat, but there’s something wrong with me.
I know I’m not supposed to feel this. I know that my body is a machine that custom built for this and every life that I carry. But I have this belly that I can’t hide. These hips that just protrude out of my side. My butt jingles and I keep seeing pockets of fat deposits on my thighs. I wish it could be as simple as after the baby is born, I could lose the weight but the truth is. Losing weight postpartum is really hard.
When I had my second born, I actually gained weight postpartum. My mom actually commented on my weight and I felt so small. I am trying so hard to love my body for what it is and I can’t even comprehend what is happening or why it’s happening. I am breastfeeding and eating right and yet I can’t lose the weight. It took me 9 months to get this weight and to manage it, and here I am postpartum still feeling like an insecure teenager. I’m supposed to be over this. This body is the same body that carried these children. The same body, my babies cling to when they want to be comforted. This same body provides nurture, care and a haven of safety for my loved ones and yet all I see is the flaws, I have been told to hate.
I don’t know if this is body dysmorphia, but I know I don’t see an accurate picture of myself or maybe I do and that’s why I’m having such a hard time with this. I wish I could say that I love the way I look because the truth is I don’t. I am most comfortable showing my face and my hair because it still looks normal to me. I have a slight double chin but I can hide that with a contour stick. Everything else is just…ugh!
I wish I knew how to fix it. I don’t. I do hope that this sparks a conversation.
To you, who understands how I’m feeling you’re not alone. No matter how we feel, the truth is we are beautiful.
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My toddler won’t sleep…
It’s currently 4:07 am and my one year old has been fighting sleep since 3:30 pm. Smack dab in the middle my sleep is interrupted by the constant whimpering that slowly progress into full blow cry. As I’m hearing this I’m debating whether or not I should get out of bed. I know she’s ok, she’s never really been much a sleeper.
She’s good with laying down in her crib but the falling asleep stage had always been a struggle. Even now as she lays her head on my chest, she’s moving and squirming, making herself comfortable as my heart heartbeat serves as an internal lullaby and my growing fetus is currently kicking around.
Her eyes are open but her gaze is sleepy. She’s tired. We both know it. So I do what any Christian mother would do. I pray. I pray and I speak over my child. I command the angels to watch over her. I pray hoping for the miracle that my baby needs to sleep through the night. I pray in Jesus’ name and I wait. I hear nothing. I get up and I leave. Once I close the door the whimpering return and I’m left feeling more hopeless than when I went in. This isn’t the first time and yet here we are still faced with this predicament.
Should I pick her up? Should I bring her into my bed? Did she have a nightmare? Is this a night tremor? Maybe she napped too long. Or maybe not enough. Let’s go through Google on this. I’m already awake so I might. Lord knows I need answers. Once again, equipped with my smartphone in my hand, I use my external brain to find an answer that will help. I’m sure there there’s a mommy blog out there with the answers I need.
Sure enough there is. In fact, there’s plenty. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one. Of course, the reasons of why this could be happening isn’t a clear cut diagnosis. Since toddlers lack the ability to accurately express themselves. To be honest, at 34 years of age I find myself at times unable to accurately express myself except through tears. So it makes sense that a child who’s been on this side of life for less than two years would also have this issue. It’s not her fault
The first thing that I notice is the need for patience and lots of it. All of this is normal and like most people, this too shall pass. I personally would hope that it could’ve passed months ago, but no. Once again, patience and grace is required for this challenge. This is not just her challenge, it’s ours. We both are tired and awake. We are both annoyed. We are both sleepy. Both of our sleep has been interrupted for some unknown reason. My otherwise happy toddler is now annoyed by this unforeseen grievance and is calling out for my help to navigate through this trying and at best find the solution to this.
Umm, I don’t know who lied to her but I don’t have the answers. At best I have Jesus and Google. All I can do is pray and assess. But here we are.
After debating the next best step I know what I don’t want to do. I don’t want to bring into my bed. I don’t feel like wrestling a toddler tonight. My body has been through enough and is still going through it. I don’t want to be up all night either. I don’t want to hear crying. So I do what I believe is the next best thing. I pick her and lay her in my chest. A mother’s hug is always welcomed. I let my chest be her pillow and allow her to feel safe by my presence. I don’t know if I’m doing it right. But I know that her breathing has slowed down. Her body. I longer tense nor stressed. She’s sleeping peacefully.
It’s moments like these I’m reminded of what patience, grace and love can accomplish. In the moments that it took for me to write this blog post, my little one has fallen asleep. As I’m get ready to bring her back to her bed, I’m aware that this same kind patience shown to be me I must show to myself. Life is a series of transitions. Some are annoying and some are great. How we handle them makes us great.
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Naturalista’s guide to summer hair care
When I first started on my natural hair care journey, I did it to better educate myself on my hair so that I could be equipped to take care of my daughter’s hair. So many mistakes were made on my hair and ultimately left me feeling really self conscious when it comes to my hair and its presentation. Everyday, I see so many beautiful women rocking their crown of glory and I wanted to be able to do that for myself. I figured one day my daughter would want to do that for herself one day, I figured I should be the one to provide her that example. Or at least something to get her started.
Below is a list of tools or rules that I go by to ensure that my hair receives the proper care that it needs to retain it’s curl definition and length. I know that curl, texture, density, etc. plays a role on how we each attend to our tresses’ needs. However, I am a firm believer that one shouldn’t need to spend a whole lot of money or time to achieve your hair goals. When it comes to hair care you can have your cake and eat it too.
Use Salon Quality Hair Colour
There’s this whole notion about natural hair that colour will damage your curls which is false. Colour processing done incorrectly will damage your hair. There’s nothing more or less to it. If you want your hair to be coloured do it. Just make sure that it’s done right and that you follow up with the correct after care. Many salons have even created an at home curated hair colouring system because so many of their clientele could not physically attend their shops anymore.
Does it cost more than your average drugstore box colour? Of course, but it’s an investment at the end of the day. So don’t be afraid to invest in your hair.
Wash Your Hair
Healthy hair starts at the root and the root grows at the scalp. You have to wash your hair to ensure that your scalp is at its healthiest. Yes, this includes a shampoo, conditioner and the occasional deep conditioner. You never want to go more 14 days without washing your hair.
Nowadays there are so many different options to choose from. Here are some of my favourites.
Uncomplicate Your Hairstyle
Last but not least, it is really important to trust the process. Don’t be afraid to try something new. My usual go to hairstyle is a Wash and Go but a Flexi Rod set is also a great way to get to a different curl pattern by physically manipulating the hair strands without chemically altering or compromising your natural hair pattern this summer.
I hope this was helpful. Please let me know what are some of the tools you use to get your hair thriving during the summer?
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Sandy Esprit 