Sandy Esprit

When I was little, I wanted to be a parent so that I could be in charge. I wanted to call the shots and have these little humans obey me. I knew I didn’t want to be the kind of parent who used corporal punishment because of the way it made me feel. The shame that came with each discipline made me feel less than. No, that wasn’t for me.

Fast forward to now, three kids I’m healing from the effects of feeling like I will never be enough. That I always need to fit in a mold of perfection that will never exist. Healing requires research and patience. It requires training a brain that is solidified in its way of living. It’s exhausting. I’m constantly digging up the cemented mindset of my inner child and defending the past like I owe it something.

Healing isn’t linear. Throughout, my time as a parent I’m learning daily that just because I have more information doesn’t make me a better parent. My outlook constantly plays a part into the kind of person my childrend get as a mother. I have thoughts that plague me like the thorns of a rose. There are dogmas that are invisible to the naked eye that pound my head and bring me to a halt. My girls don’t get to see this. They see a woman who is confident. What they don’t see is a woman who is literally parenting herself at the same time as she is parenting her own.

Healing isn’t linear. It’s a complex derivative of various algorithms with theoretical formulas that require a tremendous effort to employ. I know better so I should do better. But the truth is I’m putting my trust in a method I haven’t seen nor experienced for myself while catching and healing the wounds of my past in hopes that my girls don’t see this grown woman tripping over the bloods from the open wounds of her past.

How I wish I could tell my younger self that she is allowed to dream. She is allowed to travel and experience different elements of what makes the world beautiful. She is allowed to go after the expensive shoes because they are investment into her joy life bucket. She is not too much and that most importantly that she is a good and kind person worthy of being loved for the being she is…but I can only tell the millenial woman staring at me in the mirror these things.

Healing isn’t linear. Some days I feel great. Today my daughter pooped in the toilet. This has been an issue for a while now. She will pee but refuses to acknowledge the toilet to poop. But today she did it. I felt like a rockstar. I didn’t get mad. I didn’t yell at her. She did it. I was a proud mama.

Some days my girls wow me. My eldest understands and knows basic grade 1 arithmetic and she just turned 5. She can read and spell most words. She’s currently learning to skateboard and has inspired me to do the same.

Healing isn’t linear. My 8 month old has learned to stand on her own. She’s been practicing her pincer muscle and can now hold, grab and eat her own puffs. She does