My name is Sandy and I am a singer-songwriter with a complex mindset on how to go about life…
then again so is every single human being who is tasked with living life according to the rules of their predecessors.
But I’m pretty sure you’ll like this story, so keep reading.
Let’s call this story, “Still Trying To Impress Them?”
So this morning as I am getting ready to go to church, I was going through my closet trying to find something acceptable to wear. It’s Palm Sunday, but it’s also casual Sunday. In my younger years, I have always attempted to not be “too casual” as it would result in me literally leaving the house in my pajamas.
I’m a mother, at this point anything I can throw on that allows me the comfort of free range movement is a plus.
Hence, the leggings and baggy sweater, but I digress.
So, as I’m doing this, I hear the still small voice (yes, it exists)
“Still, trying to impress them huh?!”
I quickly did a self-check.
Was I really this vain?
Yes, yes I was!
But how? Why? When? When would this stop? Why am I still doing this? Why do I care? I’m a grown woman now!
Well, let’s go down memory lane.
Hi, my name is Sandy Esprit. I was born Sandy Marie Laures Tropnas. I was named by my father. He had an ex called Sandy Marie Laures. The story is, she was really beautiful. I tried looking for her myself but I was unsuccessful in my search. Therefore I can neither confirm nor deny her beauty. But she must have made an impact for this man to name his firstborn daughter after her.
My parents did the best that they could with the knowledge they had received and the circumstances that they faced. Mind you, my father was abusive towards my mother, so once that divorce was finalized, well let’s just say he moved on…
As he moved on, I saw less and less of him. It made me angry. I hated him for it. He didn’t fight for me. He didn’t care. I needed him. I wanted him. But he wasn’t there. So I thought I was the problem. My mother would commit murder if she had to, in order to see me and have a relationship with me. However, my father felt like I had a better chance of a successful life if he stayed away. I don’t think he was wrong, looking back on it now. But back then I didn’t know any better, so I vowed that I would live my life in a way that would make him wish he had been a part of my successful and lavish life.
In other words, I vowed that I would impress him enough to make him want me.
During my teen years, my mother did literally the best and the most that a mother could do. We were promised a better life by my grandparents. Then we were kicked out, with certain expletive and colourful language I did not think grandparents would say of their children and grandchildren. It must have been me, my existence, my being. Maybe if I wasn’t around my mother would be loved. The thing my grandparents loved to throw in my mother’s face was that she was a single mother without a man. In my logic, if she didn’t have kids, then she wouldn’t need a man. So I vowed to avenge my mother’s honour. I would live a life of luxury and wealth. I would prove to them all that her love and hard work would pay off.
In other words, I vowed that I would impress them enough to want me and her.
So now we’re up to three?
Let’s keep going!
By then, I’m just angry. I’m upset. Take some teenage hormones, life trauma and the fake love you’re being shown and you got yourself Angry Sandy. I did what I could to make my mother happy. I wasn’t successful. In fact, during that time I felt like a failure most of the time.
I would go hungry at times because I thought if there was more food around, then she would have more to eat and she’d feel better. I was tired all the time. There was such a big responsibility on me and I had no prior training and most of the time I learned by error. My mother’s patience got shorter and shorter but she did her best.
I was trying to stay a kid in a grown up world. My mother needed a warrior she could trust in the heat of the battle. To be honest, she was the best the trainer I ever had. One of the roughest and toughest but, what do you expect, we were at war. We were at war with the naysayers, with the haters (most of them blood related), with our own insecurities, our own experiences and our need to feel accepted by one another. We just wanted to know that our best was good enough for each other and that we had each other’s backs. At least, that’s how I felt. Unfortunately, I didn’t know or understand so I thought I needed to win her love. I didn’t know I already had it.
So I vowed to impress her with the outcome of my life. I would become a success story that she could brag to her friends about.
Are you weeping yet?
I hope not because it really isn’t that sad. It’s sad. But guys, really, it’s not that bad. I left out all the sad, weepy stuff.
So fast forward, a few years and now I’ve given my life to Christ. I am a born again Christian. I’ve got male authority figures that I loved. As I saw others being praised by them, I knew I wanted in on the action so guess what?
Let’s vow to impress them too. Just for kicks, I guess.
I think we’re up to 6.
Six people we’re vowing to impress.
Oh yea, then there’s the bosses at work. Teachers at school. Friends at school. Last but not least the husband.
For some reason, I never tried to impress God…
I’ve lost count of the folks I’ve vowed to impress. Do you know how many? Can you tell me?
Thanks, at least you tried. 🙂
Now here I am. I am 31 years old. I’ve got a husband, a daughter, a nice house in a nice neighborhood. I’ve got a decent job (and I can’t wait until I can’t quit that job!) and I’m chasing my dream to be a singer-songwriter (fyi: the dream is to make enough money doing it that I don’t need my current job).
These people are all proud of me. All these people I vowed to impress, according to them I did it right. I did it the “right” way and they are proud of me and yet…
I don’t care. I did all of this. All of it. I’ve got regrets. One of them is I wish I did the right thing because I wanted to do it for me. I fulfilled my vow, but at what cost?
So we come full circle to this morning. This morning when I heard the still small voice, I made a decision.
I made the decision to stop trying to impress them.
I know my daughter is taking notes. I want her to know that she already has my love. She doesn’t have to impress me. I’m already impressed. She’s amazing because she is.
That’s all I got.
If you enjoyed my little anecdote, please let me know. If this gives you perspective on life (which I pray it does) pass it on and let’s all get in on it.
See you soon
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