Down The Rabbit Hole…

I will not die; instead, I will live to tell what the Lord has done.

Psalms 118:17

Be careful of the rabbit hole. It’s a warning from one who’s quite experienced with the rabbit hole. I absolutely hate that hole. It’s dark, gloomy and can get quite comfortable. Ironic, isn’t it? Let me explain…

I have (and still am) always wanted to be a successful singer-songwriter and within the last few years I have worked really hard to improve on my craft. I have done all that I know how to do to be good enough. Ever since I was a little girl I knew that my destiny involved healing people through music. I was a healer and my powers came through music. I knew and no one could tell me different, though they did. I heard it all the time. “You can’t do it, it’s not a career.  You can’t do it, you don’t look like a star. You can’t do it, you don’t sound like a star. You can’t do it.”

Eventually they stopped saying it, I started saying it to myself. I didn’t recognize my own voice but the proof was in my actions. “I can’t do it, I have to my high school diploma. I can’t do it, my mother will never approve. I can’t do it, I got to get my university degree. I can’t do it, or they won’t like me. I can’t do it, I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how. I’m getting married. I don’t want to be better than him and have him resent me. I’m having a baby. My baby needs me. I have to get the house. My baby needs a stable home…I can’t do it.”

Slowly I began to get angry.  I started blaming those around me for the choices I made. I called it sacrifices. I sacrificed for them and it brought me nothing. I invested in them instead of me and I have no return  on my investment. Absolutely nothing! 

A malignant tumour had formed in the pit of my soul, slowly chipping away at my very super power. Until I grew powerless.  The perfect kryptonite was created by me just for me. Meanwhile, people have asked me about my imminent album that always seems to get pushed off. I don’t have an answer for them. I still don’t. I know I need to start so that I can live again. Not go through the motions but actually live. People need healing. These people are waiting on me. 

4 thoughts on “Down The Rabbit Hole…

  1. Your honesty is good. Life is hard and relentless, even with Jesus. Give yourself some credit for putting your desires and dreams on the back burner for the sake of others, even if there was no return on such a choice. Many people do the opposite and put their loved ones on hold so they can be happy. It’s not a bad choice to serve others. I might even be bokd as to say that serving someone even though you get nothing in return is to God’s glory. He sees what you’ve given up for the sake of others. Maybe I’m way out in another dimension and not even remotely on point with what you’re saying, but know this at least. God doesn’t start things He won’t finish. You WILL thrive in the gifts He’s given you. Don’t give up. His timing and ours are sometimes different. Love ya sis. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

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